My sympathy for the right-wing pundits this week, since their favorite punching bag of a president is touring in Asia, a land so far removed from their nitpicking frame of reference, they sound even more ridiculous than usual.U.S. President Barack Obama has been accused of bowing too deeply to Emperor Akihito by the likes of Michelle Malkin, Steve Doocy, William Kristol, Bill Bennett, and also in a blog post in L.A. Times titled, “How Low Will He Go?”

Without any conservative commentator who can properly assess President Obama’s Nobel-winning diplomacy across the Pacific, they are left to blabber criticisms so off the mark, for the only Asian flavor they get in life probably comes from a 30-cent bag of instant ramen noodles and Walmart tchotchkes made in China.

Perhaps you have heard of the complicated protocol in Japanese art of bowing, that there are three degrees of politeness expressed in any given social situation depending on who and when you are bowing. And it’s true.

The original concept of this tri-fold greeting goes back to the early days of Japanese calligraphy, where there are three styles of writing: shin (真), gyō (行), and sō (草). Shin, with the kanji representing “truth,” is also known as kaisho, and it’s the most formal, while sō is the most casual, and gyō somewhere in between.

See below: the letter for spring 春, written in three different styles.

The tradition of Japanese tea ceremony, which was popularized by Grandmaster Sen no Rikyū in the 16^th century, adopted this tri-fold structure in aesthetics of Chanoyu. In addition to the three different styles of tokonoma (alcove) and jiku (scroll), there are three levels of bowing, used in different occasions. Guests should always use the shin bow, the deepest, toward the host, gyō bow among the guests to greet one another, and sō bow is used when the host bows back to the guests in acknowledgment of the guest’s bowing while being preoccupied with some other task, such as wiping the tea bowl. When erect, the same bows would have the upper body angle of 45˚, 30˚ and 15˚. But there is one element that is essential in all three: respect.

Different bows do not mean to show there are different degrees of respect. In fact, respect is more like pregnancy: there is no such thing as “a little” respect. (You know when Aretha Franklin tells you to “show” a little (sō) respect, her voice nonetheless commands your full respect.)

Bowing your head indicates that you’re not afraid to expose the nape of your neck to the other party, leaving yourself vulnerable to an attack with a sword. It is NEVER in itself an expression of submission or apology.

The video of Obama bowing to the Emperor seems that he was following this protocol. Unfortunately, he could have let go of the handshake while bowing, and his upper body could have been more straight, but it was enough to earn the my respect.

There is a proverb in a haiku format: Minoruhodo koubewotareru inahokana (実るほど　頭を垂れる　稲穂かな) The more abundant the rice grain, the lower it would hang its head. The respectable man is a humble man. (Photo by elmimmo)

And how can Michelle Markin accuse Obama of being a water boy on the global stage while she herself is just kowtowing (that’s entirely different way of bowing in China) to the white boy establishment?

There was this lame second-rate actor, Jeremy Piven, who recently withdrew from his role in David Mamet’s Speed the Plow on Broadway because of high mercury count in his body. I guess the dude was wiped out. No wonder—It turns out that he was having sushi “several” times a week!

This is where Americans get it so wrong. Sushi is not supposed to be a daily meal. Ask any Japanese person if they eat sushi that often and answer is no. The cheap ones you see sold at your neighborhood deli are mostly made by Koreans or Chinese, or other dubious non-Japanese entrepreneurs. Go to an authentic Japanese-run sushi take-out store and you’ll see that mercury-laden tunas are only a tiny part of sushi menu, but you see healthier options such as the ones wrapped in fried bean curd or pickled vegetable rolls.

Nigiri-zushi (the ones you see with a slab of seafood on top) is usually eaten by Japanese at home by ordering a delivery on a special occasion, say, Dad got a promotion, or the kid got into a good school or something. If the Japanese would have home-made sushi, it’d be a hand-wrapped sushi party where everyone would arrange their own ingredients of their choice, or a mother would cook up vinegared rice with veggies, eggs, and cooked shrimp on top. She wouldn’t even bother to roll them up.

I dated an American guy once who said he liked Japanese food and asked me if I could make sushi for him at home. What am I? A sushi chef? Why do you think those professionals go through years of training? You don’t handle a variety of raw fish at home.

And here’s another news to those who think sushi is healthy. A fatty tuna dipped thoroughly in soy sauce is not. It’s extremely high in fat and sodium chloride. You’d have a heart disease and a stroke by indulging too much. So go ahead, knock yourself out.

And please don’t tell the Chinese and the Indians that sushi is good, because the billions of novice sushi eaters will wipe out the tuna population in no time.

So, you noticed that a certain country has been exporting fake shit to your supermarkets and drugstores recently. They are the professional manufacturers of fake handbags, and they make more than half the stuff you buy at Walmart.

They gave you melamine-tainted Cadbury chocolate bars. They gave you lead-poisoned children’s toys. Hell, they might have killed your cat with the same melamine shit in the pet food earlier this year.

Ask any Japanese about pesticide-laced dumplings, and they’ll tell you. Only that you have to say “methamidophos-iri gyoza.” I’d say, “It’s a killer!”

And who needs it? You’ve got your own e-coli tomatoes and downer cows to die from.

For the upcoming election, please do not vote for the guy you want to have a beer with. The past eight years should be the reason enough, but to further illustrate the point, I’d say:

a) You will NEVER have a beer with the president of the United States. He will not come to your trailer or your porch to pop a Bud and watch a football game with you, EVER.

b) Neither McCain nor Obama is a beer-drinking guy. McCain will let you think otherwise, but with his nine houses and 10 fancy cars, he’s more likely to sip a glass of Opus One with a lobbyist.

c) If you can’t grasp this reality, maybe it’s time you visited your local AA.

d) Moreover, if that’s your criteria for voting, you shouldn’t be voting at all. Stay home that Tuesday night, and drink all the Coors you like.